V-Day 2020

A very real Valentine’s Day, amidst fears of the COVID-19 mutating to become something more serious, amidst a deteriorating credit environment and more businesses going insolvent and learning from the reality that even your spouse’s love for you will always be so small compared to God’s love.

I really overestimated spousal love. I thought finally, if push comes to shove, one would be willing to let go of a friendship if it makes your spouse uneasy. Unfortunately that is not the case. It probably wouldn’t be so bad if I wasn’t led to think that way. Unfortunately, it is what it is.

What can I say? 2020 vision sucks. Fuck me.

Insomnia

Wed night when I couldn’t sleep, there were a lot of things on my mind. In random order – do you think we should have a kid? I’m 41 this year so it’s prob. now or never. Of ‘cos, just ‘cos we try doesn’t mean it’ll happen but I think I don’t overly love kids and can truly leave this to God.

Why do you selectively delete msgs from Telegram despite saying u won’t do it? Is it ‘cos u don’t want me to realise that no matter how I feel, u can never be just colleagues with J? She will always be the friend u chat with more than others. Possibly even on par with me.

Is it so wrong to reach each other’s msgs or to know where u are at any time? I thought the whole purpose of having a joint bank acc is to have complete transparency and it was thought that money is one area that couples hide stuff, even if it appears to be minor/unimportant stuff from each other. But what’s there to hide? Why is there a need to hide?

If God was willing to give me what I want, I would want u to be nothing more than colleagues with J. Strictly colleagues. Not even friends. Unfortunately, I thought that might happen when she was on her long MC and when u said u didn’t realise how much pain u caused me. U didn’t appear to talk to her much so I thought my dream came true. I now know I’m wrong. I have no choice but to accept her as part of ur life. And I have been able to accept it w/o bitterness. But the sadness that I am smaller and less important that I wished I was will always be there. But who knows? Maybe one day I’ll get over it.

So this brings me back to the first thing on my mind. Should we try for kids?

I don’t know why

A half truth makes a whole lie.
Too many I don’t know whys.
The longer the evasion, the more natural the white lies.
Ever increasing guilt, ever decreasing joy.

God’s Word

Reading the bible really gives me a lot of comfort. It gives me peace, and assurance knowing that He is here for me and He is all that matters. Thank you, Lord.

Protected: A Letter, One Year On

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你要的爱

雖然經常夢見妳 還是毫無頭緒
外面正在下著雨 今天是星期幾
But I don’t know 你去那裡雖然不曾懷疑你 還是忐忑不定
誰是你的那個唯一 原諒我懷疑自己我明白 我要的愛 會把我寵壞
像一個小孩 只懂在你懷裡壞你要的愛 不只是依賴
要像個大男孩 風吹又日曬 生活自由自在雖然不曾懷疑你 還是忐忑不定
誰是你的那個唯一 原諒我懷疑我自己我明白 我要的愛 會把我寵壞
像一個小孩 只懂在你懷裡壞…

Firstfruit

Someone told someone who shared with me a long time ago that, when you put God first, everything else will fall in place. This wasn’t a statement to comfort in difficult times but a reminder, a warning, in good times.

Hearing the different trials and thanksgiving various people experienced in 2018, I could at times see what were the things others and myself may have placed ahead of God. And why things had to fall out of place.

May everything fall in place in 2019. This is my heartfelt prayer.

Farewell 2018

Pain, worthlessness, grief, self-harm; too many dark moments have plagued 2018. I truly wish for a better tomorrow in 2019.

I Wished…

I was a bigger part of your consciousness.

 

Clingy

I died. Got revived. And I woke up a different person. Scarred. Despairing. Looking forward to His second coming.

 

If I wasn’t drowning, I wouldn’t cling on so hard.




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