Covid-19

I know one day I will look back at this and see that Covid-19 is just one of the many life experiences people gain during their lifetime. It will not be any different from SARS or H1N1 or any of the other pandemics that have hit the world before.

Singapore started our “Circuit Breaker” on 7th Apr. I’ve been working from home from before the Circuit Breaker started (for 4-5 weeks) now and work is getting busier than ever. It annoys me when people/organisations act as though people are very free just because the are working from home (or I should say – “WFH” – the latest trendy acronym invented). Yes, I know, there are some who are unable to work because their retail shops are closed, entertainment venues are closed and so on. But there are many many of us who are slogging to work through the credit crisis caused by the tumbling oil prices and record credit losses (or potential losses) in the market. Started with Dongying at the end of 2019, then Agritrade, then Qingyuan and now Hin Leong. Every deal I work on requires 3x the usual effort but with a lower chance of success.

The good thing about WFH though is that I get to let the bunnies out to play on some days. (Can’t do it everyday ‘cos the slippery living room floor is bad for Tris and she loves to come out.)

Tris napping under the TV console
Tobias licking the hay dust from the bowl

As with all things, Covid-19 too, will pass.

Hope everyone remains healthy and cooperative with the government’s efforts to stop the spread during the Circuit Breaker!

V-Day 2020

A very real Valentine’s Day, amidst fears of the COVID-19 mutating to become something more serious, amidst a deteriorating credit environment and more businesses going insolvent and learning from the reality that even your spouse’s love for you will always be so small compared to God’s love.

I really overestimated spousal love. I thought finally, if push comes to shove, one would be willing to let go of a friendship if it makes your spouse uneasy. Unfortunately that is not the case. It probably wouldn’t be so bad if I wasn’t led to think that way. Unfortunately, it is what it is.

What can I say? 2020 vision sucks. Fuck me.

Insomnia

Wed night when I couldn’t sleep, there were a lot of things on my mind. In random order – do you think we should have a kid? I’m 41 this year so it’s prob. now or never. Of ‘cos, just ‘cos we try doesn’t mean it’ll happen but I think I don’t overly love kids and can truly leave this to God.

Why do you selectively delete msgs from Telegram despite saying u won’t do it? Is it ‘cos u don’t want me to realise that no matter how I feel, u can never be just colleagues with J? She will always be the friend u chat with more than others. Possibly even on par with me.

Is it so wrong to reach each other’s msgs or to know where u are at any time? I thought the whole purpose of having a joint bank acc is to have complete transparency and it was thought that money is one area that couples hide stuff, even if it appears to be minor/unimportant stuff from each other. But what’s there to hide? Why is there a need to hide?

If God was willing to give me what I want, I would want u to be nothing more than colleagues with J. Strictly colleagues. Not even friends. Unfortunately, I thought that might happen when she was on her long MC and when u said u didn’t realise how much pain u caused me. U didn’t appear to talk to her much so I thought my dream came true. I now know I’m wrong. I have no choice but to accept her as part of ur life. And I have been able to accept it w/o bitterness. But the sadness that I am smaller and less important that I wished I was will always be there. But who knows? Maybe one day I’ll get over it.

So this brings me back to the first thing on my mind. Should we try for kids?

I don’t know why

A half truth makes a whole lie.
Too many I don’t know whys.
The longer the evasion, the more natural the white lies.
Ever increasing guilt, ever decreasing joy.

God’s Word

Reading the bible really gives me a lot of comfort. It gives me peace, and assurance knowing that He is here for me and He is all that matters. Thank you, Lord.

Protected: A Letter, One Year On

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你要的爱

雖然經常夢見妳 還是毫無頭緒
外面正在下著雨 今天是星期幾
But I don’t know 你去那裡雖然不曾懷疑你 還是忐忑不定
誰是你的那個唯一 原諒我懷疑自己我明白 我要的愛 會把我寵壞
像一個小孩 只懂在你懷裡壞你要的愛 不只是依賴
要像個大男孩 風吹又日曬 生活自由自在雖然不曾懷疑你 還是忐忑不定
誰是你的那個唯一 原諒我懷疑我自己我明白 我要的愛 會把我寵壞
像一個小孩 只懂在你懷裡壞…

Firstfruit

Someone told someone who shared with me a long time ago that, when you put God first, everything else will fall in place. This wasn’t a statement to comfort in difficult times but a reminder, a warning, in good times.

Hearing the different trials and thanksgiving various people experienced in 2018, I could at times see what were the things others and myself may have placed ahead of God. And why things had to fall out of place.

May everything fall in place in 2019. This is my heartfelt prayer.

Farewell 2018

Pain, worthlessness, grief, self-harm; too many dark moments have plagued 2018. I truly wish for a better tomorrow in 2019.

I Wished…

I was a bigger part of your consciousness.

 




July 2020
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