Firstfruit

Someone told someone who shared with me a long time ago that, when you put God first, everything else will fall in place. This wasn’t a statement to comfort in difficult times but a reminder, a warning, in good times.

Hearing the different trials and thanksgiving various people experienced in 2018, I could at times see what were the things others and myself may have placed ahead of God. And why things had to fall out of place.

May everything fall in place in 2019. This is my heartfelt prayer.

Farewell 2018

Pain, worthlessness, grief, self-harm; too many dark moments have plagued 2018. I truly wish for a better tomorrow in 2019.

I Wished…

I was a bigger part of your consciousness.

 

Clingy

I died. Got revived. And I woke up a different person. Scarred. Despairing. Looking forward to His second coming.

 

If I wasn’t drowning, I wouldn’t cling on so hard.

Surrender

Today I read that ‘surrender’ is a battle term. And I am battling a lot of things. My fears, my doubts, my inadequacies, my self-worth. And I realise it’s harder to surrender to God one’s disappointments and doubts than to surrender one’s joy and dreams. At least it is for me. I think it’s logical though because dreams drive you while pain eats you.

Everytime we get knocked down, it’s probably survivor instinct that makes us get back up. But sometimes the rate at which we die inside is faster than the rate they recover. It’s a cancer of the heart, soul and mind.

Surrender. We need to learn to surrender.

 

Dylan

Dylan was a friend from dance. On 7 Ang 2018, Dylan decided to leave us at the very young age of 27. The news came as a great shock because whenever I think of Dylan, the image of someone with a big smile would pop into my mind.

His family shared that he had been suffering from depression for a few months but that dance was his happy place and they were happy when he decided to compete in dance.

Dylan took his life on a Tue and it’s sad that his thoughts got so dark that he couldn’t find the peace to hang on till Tue night – when we have social.

As people shared videos and photos of Dylan in tribute to his memory, all I saw was smiles; from him and all who were around him.

Thank you for being the bright spark in the WCS community and I am sorry we were not sensitive enough to see and sustain your happy place in the hours you weren’t dancing.

May the Lord’s peace be with your soul.

Thorn

Maybe the lesson is to not focus on the thorn but to focus on His Grace and one day the tears will go away.

Protected: Beijing, June 2018

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Thirty-Nine

I thought I lost the ability to cry;
But only you could coax a tear from my eye.
I think I’m strong, at least I try.
But the more I see, the more my heart dies.
I try to read between the lines,
I wished you would tell me everything is fine.
I don’t know to laugh or cry,
At your honesty, that u were there to keep her eyes dry.
I bite my lips, I swallow my sighs.
I press on in silence, head held high.
I only have one wish as I turn thirty-nine,
That you keep our oath, as I have kept mine.
Ever thine, ever mine, ever ours.

Ah Lian

The older i am, the more ah lian i become. Went to get a third pair of ear holes pierced today. I wondered why and the only conclusion i arrived at was the older i am, the less i care about what people think of me. So that brings my inner lian to the surface. But who cares right? Love the third set of earrings on my ears! 🙂




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