One of my favourite blogs of all time is Que Pasa
. I am always in awe of how the writer manages to be so honest with her feelings online. Her sincere sharings & observations always make me want to read her posts more than once.
Today, the issue about how open should i be on my blog came into question again. Once again, the thought of whether i should delete my entire blog crossed my mind. But i knew i wouldn’t do it. At least not for the sake of saving the face of someone i hate immensely. That’s me i suppose. My bf thinks that i’m too stubborn & i agree. The thing is that before i do anything, i would consider the consequences seriously and once i decide that i’m prepared to bear them, i usually would not veer from the path i’ve chosen to take. Not even if it means my letting my colleagues / business associates read my bitching about them. Like i’ve said before… i quit AIA ‘cos i couldn’t get along with my supervisor, and ‘cos my boss didn’t allow me to take leave to go perform at the West Coast Salsa Congress.
So that’s me… headstrong, wilful, stubborn. However, despite all my stubborness, i’ve compromised on my entries many a times. I have, as Acorn said, practised a certain degree of self-censorship in order to protect people that i care about. More importantly, i’ve exercised restraint from sharing about certain feelings ‘cos i want to preserve the harmony among certain circles of friends that i am with.
Then i’ve thought about going the other extreme – of being totally explicit about my feelings towards certain matters, and to leave the consequences to the wind. Share about how i felt betrayed before, how i hate people who go back on their words, and how i hate the fact that people i love are sometimes subject to unfair sanctions by their superiors. But Acorn & Clown are right. I need to learn how to be subtle, and respect the big picture. Even if the consequences don’t mean anything to me, they might mean the end of certain opportunities for those i love.
This whole exercise of how honest should i be frustrates me. I hate having to curb my actions, especially when it’s to avoid friction with someone i fuckingly (ok, i just made up that word) hate. Add that to many months of cooping up at home and/or going to the showflat on my rest days, i decided i needed some retail therapy…