It’s not Love the 2nd Time Round

Was thinking about my last post during my shower when it dawned upon me that it’s not love the 2nd time round.  ‘Cos if 2 people could not find it within themselves to love the other party deep enough to work things out the first time, assuming their characters did not change when they meet the 2nd time, why should it work?  If they did change by the time they meet again, then whatever love they had before, would fail too… because the person they loved no longer exists.

But human nature will always cause people to cast doubt on the decisions they make.  The grass is always greener on the other side.  And it’s curiousity that will push people to re-explore decisions they made a long time ago… alas, it was also curiousity that killed the cat.

Sadly, humans are ruled by their emotions.  So they are very likely to just follow their feelings blindly instead of listening to reason.  But a very wise friend once told me – you cannot control your feelings, but you can control your actions…. and i believe our lives will be a lot clearer if we could all live by this principle.

It’s not Love the 2nd Time Round

Was thinking about my last post during my shower when it dawned upon me that it’s not love the 2nd time round.  ‘Cos if 2 people could not find it within themselves to love the other party deep enough to work things out the first time, assuming their characters did not change when they meet the 2nd time, why should it work?  If they did change by the time they meet again, then whatever love they had before, would fail too… because the person they loved no longer exists.

But human nature will always cause people to cast doubt on the decisions they make.  The grass is always greener on the other side.  And it’s curiousity that will push people to re-explore decisions they made a long time ago… alas, it was also curiousity that killed the cat.

Sadly, humans are ruled by their emotions.  So they are very likely to just follow their feelings blindly instead of listening to reason.  But a very wise friend once told me – you cannot control your feelings, but you can control your actions…. and i believe our lives will be a lot clearer if we could all live by this principle.

I would take the Stars out of the Sky for You

Read an article in Sunday Times’ “Reflect” column (29 Oct 2006) written by Cheong Suk-Wai today.  In it, she talked about a “erstwhile” love that has just re-entered her life 5 years after he walked out of it.  She wondered whether she ought to “reclaim the lost years”… and dwelled upon the cynical side of looking at it, as well as the concept of daring to live life to the full.

I guess falling in love is a process.  Each step that we take in the process opens us up to more pain, more hurts, but also possibly more joy.  Emotional baggage from failed relationships sometimes haunt us and prevent us from daring to “risk it all”.  I could almost define my life as pre-Sky & post-Sky.

I’ve always wondered whether it was worth putting your heart into a relationship, and then having it crushed when it doesn’t work out.  Why would anyone want to go to such extremes?  Why not just live life by yourself… sure, the excitement and joy that comes with singlehood may be moderate… but wouldn’t being moderately happy forever be better than being very happy while it lasts?

I think i’ve pretty much clammed myself up.  I reveal different degrees of myself to different people.  Heck.  I even have a few blogs running on the Internet though the rest are hidden from people who know me.  So being the onion i am, i guess it’s going to be very difficult for me to truly fall in love with anyone.

Reclaiming the lost years… that’s an interesting thought.

"… The Sweetest Song that I can Sing"

Iwok told me today that his mom is matchmaking him with some girl next week.  Strangely, i’m not really affected by it.  I wondered if i should feel even a tinge of jealousy?  Unfortunately (or fortunately), i don’t.  I’m like… ok… good for u… go meet her.

I think i must have repeated my views on love/marriage like a zillion times the past 2 weeks.  Repeated to my ex, my friends, my sayang, etc.  Sigh… and i guess the crux of everything would be this:

1)  U should marry someone u cannot do without, not someone u can make do with.

2)  U can love someone but not be in love with him.

I was also questioned on what my views on marriage are.  Honestly, at this point of time, i have no freaking idea.  That’s why i’m still single right?  Duh.  Someone suggested that marriage is so that u have someone to be with u, to do this, do that, etc.  But if that’s all marriage is about… er… why not just get a pet dog?  Man’s best friend u know?  Plus… all the things that the person cited as examples… were things that i could do perfectly well on my own… so wherein lies the attraction of marriage then?

For now, all i can say is… i think the person u marry should be able to add a level of fulfilment in your life that u, as a single, will not be able to achieve.  Sounds darn cryptic ya?  Haha… but that’s the best i can verbalise it as. 

Bottomline is… talk is cheap.  I think it’s all about a certain feeling.  I mean… tons of people have told me that “when u meet the right one, u’ll know it’s him”.  So i’m banking on that to just happen some day… or i’ll just have to call on the “marriage bond” by Iceman… hahaha.  Age 45 ya?  Muahahahaha.

There’s this song that keeps playing over & over in my head now… the title of this post is lifted from the song.  Any guesses which song is it?  🙂

Congrats Qingfu!

My Qingfu is getting married!  So happy for him.  I know he doesn’t read my blog but it’s ok.  I’m still very happy for him.  Haha.  I asked him today what was it about the gal that made him want to settle down (he, er, was quite a cassanova during our school days) and his reply was that he & his wife-to-be can never bear to be angry at each other for long.  She makes him smile & he always looks forward to seeing her at the end of the day.  Plus she’s also very supportive & understanding towards him.  Aw… such a sweet answer.  🙂  At least it gives me a ray of hope that perhaps there are reasons why people want to get married.  🙂

Leaving No Stones Unturned

I think i’ve left quite a few cryptic posts here recently.  The reason is that i’ve been thinking of breaking up with my bf for some time now… since May… since the post about the cheng teng dessert… and i finally spoke to him about it.  At first i wasn’t sure if i was making the right decision but the more things unravel, the more certain i made the right choice.

It really irks me when people try to use emotional blackmail on me.  Yes, it may work for a very short while, while my heart’s still a little soft and i may give in a little… but the minute it becomes clear that it’s emotional blackmail, i get very put off.  Never ever play the sympathy card… plus sympathy is not love.

I have also met someone new recently.  His profile pretty much fits my ideal type and he’s not a bad person.  Really not (Senior from 07/95, i get what u mean now).  He’s not the type who would intentional hurt a person.  However, after a very honest & open chat with him, i realised that his character / personality is exactly like my Qingfu’s!!  So i concluded that we’re the type who would make fantastic friends, but that’s all there is to it. 

Damnit!

I, Moron

Sigh.  I exasperate myself all the time.  I always think i’m like so damn freaking cool and hard-hearted when i’m really the most soft-hearted sucker on earth.  I do this to myself ALL THE TIME, like what on earth is wrong with me?  It’s like my rational brain takes over all bodily functions, then i make a decision i know is ultimately right, but i still kick myself over it.

First time i realised this about myself was when i had my first big crush.  I really really liked this guy but he was interested in another gal from my school and what did i do?  I linked them up.  Match-made them.  I, moron.

Second time i did something kick-worthy was with my 2nd bf.  He had a colleague who liked him and after careful analysis, i decided that she was more suitable for him than me.  So i bowed out.  They’re getting married soon (or have gotten married… i wouldn’t know… don’t think she’d invite me) but still!  I, moron.

Then there was the 3rd bf.  Took us 5 bloody years before we got together.  When he first liked me, i said no to him ‘cos i hadn’t had a clean break with my 1st bf.  Then i kicked myself ‘cos he left for overseas.  After we finally did get together, he started having doubts after 2 months.  Being the good ol’ friend i was, i analysed things for him & concluded that he was better off w/o me.  I, moron.

Finally, i met someone very rare.  But logic told me that it wasn’t going to work out.  So i burst the balloon once again.  I’m kicking myself for it now… though i guess ultimately it’s for the best.  Sigh… just that… a batu, no matter how hard on the outside, can also have a very soft core.  But what can i say?  The numbskull ruled.  I, moron.

Breaking the Rules

I’m going to break the rules today.  I’m actually going to post a photo of myself on the main page!  Hehe… but i’m not gonna tell u which is me.  Wahahahaha. 

Just found out from an ex-TJCian who’s teaching in TJ now that next year will be TJ’s 30th anniversary… ok… that’s a stupid statement… TJ celebrated its 20th anniversary when i was studying there… so obviously i should know next year is the 30th anniversary.  But i guess it just conveniently slipped my mind that 10 whole years have flashed me by & boy do i feel old!!

Seriously, when i look back at the past 10 years, i have no idea how the heck it went by so fast.  I mean… hey!  Wasn’t it just yesterday that i was trying to get myself out of the principal’s room for flunking my exams?!  Haha.  Sigh… i wonder if i can still wear my TJ uniform… hehe… i think… squeeze a little… still can lah.  Hahaha.  I still wear the PE t-shirts & shorts actually… as er, “home wear”.  Haha.  Oh and i’m also still wearing the watch that i had in TJ.  Heh.

Ok… here’s the pic of all the gals in my JC class.  🙂

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Actually, not only do i still wear my old old PE t-shirts, i also wear my Chinese Cultural Club & Astro Club t-shirt.  Haha.

Word Play

Today, let’s explore the meaning of the terms “chat” vs. “chat up” and “discontentment” vs. “settling”.

Chat – Friendly conversation between parties.

Chat up – Friendly conversation initiated by party who wants to know the other in an amorous way.

Discontentment – Not knowing when to be satisfied (possible intepretation).

Settling – Making do.

Conclusion : Fear and insecurity do not a sound decision make.

Blown Away!

I am totally totally blown away now.  Was surfing the Net when i decided to pop into this really old site that a schoolmate set up eons ago.  Went to see the forum page and realised that a few people started posting stuff there recently.  Decided to go check out page 1 of the forum and guess what?  I FOUND A POST I WROTE 9 FREAKING YEARS AGO!!! ON THE NIGHT BEFORE MY A LEVEL COMPUTING EXAM!!  WAH PIANG! 

Fwah! I really CANNOT describe the feeling man.  It’s like… can u imagine reading something u posted nochalantly almost a DECADE ago??  I’m overwhelmed.  All the feelings / thoughts i had when i wrote that post just came back.  It’s DAMN FREAKING COOL! Ok.  I think i’m going to hyper-ventilate.

The owner of the site said that this is the reason why people keep diaries… but the thing about diaries is that sometimes people write things the way they want it remembered? But a post on the Internet is totally honest.  It’s like… raw.

I think i’m going to glance through the forum to see what other rubbish i wrote… it’s like… visiting yourself 9 years ago! It’s FWAH LAU man! Oh for any TJCians who might be reading this, here’s the site: http://tjcians.bay.to/graffiti.php

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Azure just gave me the link of another ancient site.  *Sob*.  An Astro Club site that was done by my junior.  I’m so moved by all these sites i could cry… *Sob*

http://www.geocities.com/CapeCanaveral/Hangar/5355/astro.html