Sigh. I exasperate myself all the time. I always think i’m like so damn freaking cool and hard-hearted when i’m really the most soft-hearted sucker on earth. I do this to myself ALL THE TIME, like what on earth is wrong with me? It’s like my rational brain takes over all bodily functions, then i make a decision i know is ultimately right, but i still kick myself over it.
First time i realised this about myself was when i had my first big crush. I really really liked this guy but he was interested in another gal from my school and what did i do? I linked them up. Match-made them. I, moron.
Second time i did something kick-worthy was with my 2nd bf. He had a colleague who liked him and after careful analysis, i decided that she was more suitable for him than me. So i bowed out. They’re getting married soon (or have gotten married… i wouldn’t know… don’t think she’d invite me) but still! I, moron.
Then there was the 3rd bf. Took us 5 bloody years before we got together. When he first liked me, i said no to him ‘cos i hadn’t had a clean break with my 1st bf. Then i kicked myself ‘cos he left for overseas. After we finally did get together, he started having doubts after 2 months. Being the good ol’ friend i was, i analysed things for him & concluded that he was better off w/o me. I, moron.
Finally, i met someone very rare. But logic told me that it wasn’t going to work out. So i burst the balloon once again. I’m kicking myself for it now… though i guess ultimately it’s for the best. Sigh… just that… a batu, no matter how hard on the outside, can also have a very soft core. But what can i say? The numbskull ruled. I, moron.