My Greatest Fear

As everyone makes resolutions about things they want to accomplish in the new year, or bad habits they want to get rid off, i didn’t think i had any resolutions to make.  The past few weeks saw me feeling pretty pleased with myself… pleased because i have many friends that i can hang out with, and smug that i sometimes get more dates than i can juggle.

But today, on the very last day of 2006, my greatest fear is back to bug me – my fear that i’m unwelcomed.  I’m not sure how this fear arose… was it ‘cos i have many close friends, but i know them on a one on one basis and hence i don’t belong to any cliques?  Or was it ‘cos i’ve always felt intimidated by a whole group of people who already know one another, that i cannot fit into any clique comfortably?  It’s a chicken and egg thing really…

While in church this morning, a friend of mine sms’d me saying that he’s meeting some people from our hall for brunch at Siglap and asked if i wanted to join them.  I replied, “Sure!”, without thinking.  Right after the sms went out, i started worrying… although i’ve been close to various individuals in the group at various times while in school, the only one that i talk to nowadays is the guy who sms’d me.  What if i turned up and things turned awkward?  What if they didn’t welcome me?  Sigh… i don’t know if they didn’t welcome me or not lah… but… brunch turned out ok.  No awkward pauses in conversation or anything like that!  *Phew!*

Now, as i’m typing this, i’m fretting over a NYE’s party tonight.  Someone (let’s  call him Flayer) that i met for the first time at Bala Clava on Friday night (though we have corresponded online before) invited my colleague (yes, the “peckish” one) and me to his house party for the countdown.  I’m agonising ‘cos i’m worried things would be weird.. i mean… i’ll probably know like 3 people there only??  And… the worst case scenario would be… what if Flayer only meant to invite my colleague and not me?  Argh!!!

Ok.. from what i remember, Flayer asked both of us to join the party… then he and his friend went off on a tangent ‘cos they said they wanted to intro this other gal to my colleague… and while they were teasing him about it, i left to go to the ladies.  When i got back, Flayer and my colleague had exchanged hp nos. and arrangements were made already.  I’m assuming those arrangements include me?  I think?  I hope?  Sigh.  *Shakes head*.  I’m getting stress diarrhoea from this man.  Bleah!

Just spoke to Shibby online about this… he says i should just go and if i don’t enjoy myself, leave.  I guess that’s the most “common sense” thing to do… and i do have another invitation to another house party… so i guess there’s more than 1 gate that i could crash tonight…

"Act Blur Grow Stronger"

2 nights ago, a colleague and i shared a cab home after a night out at bala clava.  As my colleague alighted from the cab, i was giving the cab driver directions to get to my place when my colleague planted a peck on my cheek.  The peck didn’t register at all ‘cos i was focused on giving directions – i didn’t even turn to look at my colleague or give any response whatsoever.  I guess it didn’t occur to me anything was amiss ‘cos i’m so used to all these “muakz muakz” stuff that salsa people do.  It wasn’t until i reached home that i realised that my colleague had planted a peck on my cheek… and that was sooo wrong, ‘cos i just soooo am not interested in him.

Well, i suppose it’s good that i didn’t have any reaction at all… so nothing awkward’s going to happen.  Sigh.. thank goodness i managed to deflect our single date to a night out with random friends at bala clava.  As the Singlish phrase goes… act blur, grow stronger.