Dance like no one's watching

Imaginary Friend

I have an imaginary friend, who lives within my heart

Many things i want to tell him, but i don’t know where to start

My friend once hated my country – bad vibes from the start

So many years ago, he once wanted to depart

Away to a faraway place, to study in a foreign university

Unfortunately the Asian financial crisis, kept him in this garden city

So good friends we remained, throughout our days in school

Even after we started working, the friendship did not cool

Sometimes i have a funny thought, that he would be the best TCM

But bury the thought i would, ‘cos i cannot afford to lose my friend

So time & again i’ve said – i’ll always maintain my stand

Best buds we’ll remain, let no one change the plan!

All my thoughts and feelings before, i wrote down in a blog

Kept in a secret address, with a long password log

I weighed the various consequences, and i drew this conclusion

Some things are better left unsaid, to save everyone the confusion

But today i shared my thoughts with my friend, and broke the golden rule

I could blame it on my forgetting the password to my secret blog, or maybe i’m just a fool.

But when everything’s said & done, nothing’s changed, no minus or plus

In this zero-sum game i’m still the same, amidst all the fuss

A true sign of friendship, is one that will last

After all the gloom and doom, in my imaginary friend i trust.

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this post would’ve normally gone into my secret blog. but since i’ve retired that site a few months ago, i thought i’ll just put it here. *shrugs* perhaps one day i’ll transfer it over… but till then, on my main site it shall remain.

there’re many considerations to verbalising my thoughts too early. first of all, i’m not even sure if i feel unhappy ‘cos i’m afraid of losing a friend, or ‘cos i’m jealous. too many things i’ve thought about that i would not want to put in writing ‘cos the thoughts just jump about too fast – i don’t want to be with anyone, i want to be with someone, i want to be with someone but now is not the time? and that’s not even factoring anyone else’s thoughts inside.

i can only safely say that as each day goes by, i feel greater affirmation that i am perhaps destined to be alone. i use the word “destined” because i think my personality suits it. i think it’s easier to give myself happiness, than to share any form of connection with anyone. hence the deliberate distance i’ve held in the past few months, from anyone and everyone when i think there may be any form of something going “wrong”.

so what’s the point in sharing my thoughts now? there isn’t, really. because i will (as history & statistics have shown) probably decide eventually that i’m just being silly, and it’s better not to wander off the beaten track.

the lyrics of the song, “I’ll Be Okay” comes to mind yet again. the primary reason why this song touched me a lot when i first heard it a decade ago was ‘cos that was the first time i felt i might lose my “imaginary friend”. i felt that when JC’s over, my friend would probably go elsewhere to study… and while we would always have the old friendship, i’ll never really have my friend. yet, i chose not to say anything ‘cos i didn’t want anything else to happen either. (why do u think the movie My Best Friend’s Wedding struck such a chord in me?)

therein lies my struggle. but as Sammi said during her concert last night, a lot of things are not within our control. i speak as if everything depends on me. and it doesn’t. it doesn’t entirely depend on my friend either. it depends only on God.

my imaginary friend asked me recently why i didn’t vote him to be my “best friends forever” on facebook. i laughed and gave some crappy answer. but the truth is, i didn’t know if i wanted to be best friends forever.

maybe now.. but forever? i don’t know.