Dance like no one's watching

I’m torn.  I can’t decide if I should go for cellgroup tonight or should I go for the Lunasol appointment I made some time back.  No chance of rescheduling the appt because there’s some make-up artist coming from Japan and she/he’ll only be here this weekend.  Didn’t know there would be cellgroup tonight before I made the appointment.

Comparing cellgroup and meeting a make-up artist, I have to acknowledge that cellgroup should naturally be more important.  A couple of months ago, however, I sort of decided that "me time" was more important than "cellgroup time" because my preferences have always been overlooked in the cell.  After all, given how I do not belong to the main clique in the cellgroup, I will always get out-voted, be it on small things like where to go for lunch on Sun, to more important things like which is the best day to have cellgroup.

For small things like lunch and gatherings, I resolved my dissatisfaction by joining the group only when it suited me.  I will not inconvenience myself and bend to the whims of the main clique’s, and neither will I force my preference on them.  Unfortunately, when it comes to more important matters like attending cellgroup for prayer or bible study, that’s where I’m torn.  I was quite happy to just apply the same "as long as it suits me" mentality until Nparker spoke up at our "AGM" last Sunday and offered to sort of lead the group.  I am very keen in supporting his effort because I him and his wife (actually she’s probably the only person I really really enjoy talking to in the cellgroup).

We spoke about a couple of things during the "AGM" and I think the main issues were about leadership and direction/expectations of the cellgroup members.  To me, there are 2 main things that the cellgroup must fulfil.  The first is to offer spiritual support/help one another grow spiritually.  The second is on a more social level – friendship, fun, etc.  Most of the members seemed to agree during the "AGM" that our cellgroup is doing fine on the second, but not so well on the first.

Not for me.  I struggle with peer leadership in the cell because what I want is the cold hard historical facts which I’m not sure if anyone is equipped to teach me.  When it comes to social support, I have been the odd one out for a long time, which means that if I wanted to hang out with the rest, I will perpetually have to defer to the tastes & timing of the main clique, which can be really disappointing after a while.  Thus, I have pretty much withdrawn my participation in the group and only certain people like Chewbacca or NParker & wife can mobilise any commitment from me.

I wanted to blog about this many times before but I was never near a pc while the thoughts were running through my mind… and by the time I was, I lost steam in what I wanted to say.  I also thought about the repercussions this might have since one or two people from the cell reads this blog.  I eventually decided to go ahead because, this is me, this is how I feel, and this is a blog where I try to be true to my thoughts.

OK.  I’ve made up my mind.  I’m going Takashimaya tonight since I did make the appointment before finding out that I was out-voted (why did I even think my vote stood a chance), and cellgroup would continue to be on Fridays instead of Saturdays.

If you’re reading this NParker, sorry!  But as long as you’re leading, I’ll try not to miss cellgroup on Fridays unless I’m held up at work!