Living It Up

My company has finally decided that there’re too many short emails flying around between staff and it might be more efficient on our system resources to implement the usage of Lotus Notes Instant Messaging instead.  Out of curiousity, I took a look at our IM usage policy… I thought the last part of it was very funny.

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Appropriate instant messaging use

• Use of Eon’s IM system is permitted and encouraged where such use is for business communications.
• Occasional personal use is permitted within the guidelines of this policy, only if it is not for private business activities and does not:
  • negatively impact upon system resources,
  • interfere with work productivity, or
  • involve content that may be considered offensive by others.
• Communication sent via the IM system must be consistent with the policies, core values and objectives of Eon.
• It is the responsibility of every employee to use Eon’s instant messaging system responsibly, ethically, lawfully and professionally.
• Employees must not use profanity, obscenities, or derogatory remarks.
• Sexual, ethnic, and racial harassment messages are forbidden.
• Employees have a responsibility to protect the security of sensitive and confidential information. Such information should not be transferred via IM.

Etiquette

• Just because someone is active doesn’t mean they are free to IM with you, start by asking if they have time to chat.
• Don’t worry about strictly taking turns, or require that every line in an IM session is perfectly spelled and totally grammatical, as this will artificially slow conversation.
• Don’t use all capital letters to type your message. As with email, it’s the IM equivalent of shouting.
• Keep it short. IM is meant to be instant, not long-winded and slow.
• There are some topics best dealt with face to face, consider this when starting an IM session.
• Update your status. Switch to “I am away” when going to lunch or a meeting. Use the “Do not disturb me” status to indicate when you are really can’t be interrupted.
• Don’t say anything in an Instant Messaging session that you wouldn’t say in a face to face conversation or in an email.

Abbreviations

Abbreviations can be used to speed up communication. Some common abbreviations are:

Abbreviation /
Meaning

btw
by the way

fyi
for your information

cu
See you (later)

2
too or to

4
for

atm
at the moment

B4
before

bbl or bbs
be back later/soon

bfn
bye for now

lol
laughing out loud

Emoticons

An emoticon is a symbol or combination of symbols that convey emotional content when instant messaging. Below is a list of the most common emoticons. To more easily recognise their meaning, the reader should tilt their head toward their left shoulder.

Icon /
Meaning

: -) or : )
smile, happy

: -( or : (
sad, depressed

: -D or : D
big grin or laugh

: -P or : P
tongue out, happy or being silly

; -) or ; )
wink, being silly

: -O or : O
Surprised

: -/
uncertain/ sceptical / annoyed / uneasy

: -S or : S
confused

>: (
angry

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I’m just amused at how they explained the short forms and emoticons… heh.  How does this fall under “business usage”? 

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Azure has been busy doing some “dashboard” updates the past 2 days.  I kept asking her what’s a “dashboard” and this was how our conversation ensued:

azure: anyway dashboard is supposed to be a summary of KPIs

azure: in one or 2 slides

azure: but i have 60 slides to update

me: how come u hv 60 slides

me: wow. mkt research folks certainly have very erm… american / soundbite friendly terms

me: heheheheh

me: dashboard

me: to me, that’s the part of the car above my radio

I just thought that was a funny conversation.  Heh.

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Azure saw something very disturbing on the train.  I thought… perhaps it’s a creative approach.  Thinking out of the box kind of thing you know?  She saw this girl reading a book on "Maintaining a Healthy BMI".  Guess what was her approach?

Wonder if it works…

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By my title, I mean to say that "dumb" found me.

Client’s Stupid Clerk: I’ve been trying to send emails to you.  It keeps bouncing back.  This happens everytime!  Can you please clear your mailbox?

Me: Er, my mail’s pretty ok.  Perhaps it’s the size of the email you’re sending?  I think there are a few attachments right?

CSC: You asked for all the documents right?  Legal opinions, loan agreement…

Me: Yes.  Do you know what’s the size of all the attachments?  I think my email server has a 5MB restriction per email.

CSC:  I don’t know lah.  The loan agreement is about 20+ pages.

Me: *Dumbfounded*

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This isn’t a new joke… but… I thought it’s a good time to see it again… hahahaha…

Hehehehehe.

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ESaw sent me this website with funny, wildly absurd statements about actor Chuck Norris.  If you do a search online, you’ll realise this "Chuck Norris Facts" has become quite a legend on the Internet.  Heh.  Didn’t have time to read everything but I thought these few were really funny:

Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

Chuck Norris doesn’t read books.  He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

Chuck Norris can eat just one Lay’s potato chip.

Chuck Norris is suing Myspace for taking the name of what he calls everything around you.

Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because he only recognizes the element of surprise.

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Suan - To pass a sarcastic remark

You know, sometimes, some suans are so good, I consider them works of art.  Here’re some of the good ones I’ve received / given / heard.

Suan #1

Was having drinks with Bigmac, Upsize (a guy), Azure and Booze Queen two weeks ago.  We started talking about bikinis and Bigmac asked if all girls have bikinis.  Upsize then said we should have a D&D with a beach theme or something so all the girls can wear bikinis.

Upsize: So UptownGal, would you wear a bikini to our D&D?

Me: Sure.  If you wear one, I’ll wear as well.

Upsize: No problem.  I’ll wear one…so make sure you do the same.  In fact, I’ll do better than that.  I’ll go topless…

I was stumped for words.  Upsize’s suan was too good…

Suan #2

There was this Hokkaido fair at Tampines Mall some time ago and Iceman and I took a quick tour since we were waiting to watch a movie.  The fair was held at the first floor atrium area and there were several "openings" that allowed access into and out of the fair area.  As there was no clear entrance / exit markings, the crowd just squeezed in and out of all the "openings".

Iceman and I were squeezing out of one of these openings when this short and fat auntie was squeezing in.  She looked at us grumpily and said loudly to her daughter, "Hiyah!  See these people lah.  Blocking our way.. how to walk in!"

I looked at her in the eye and said, "If you were thinner, then can already lor!"

That left her stunned… and I walked out.  Hehehehehehe.

Suan #3

This is a real classic… my ex-colleague told me this incident about a decade ago.. and I never forgot it.

This ex-colleague likes to hum/sing to himself.  After buying a new CD one day, he couldn’t stop singing the songs from the CD till his friend said, "Stop singing can?  I don’t like to listen to pirated version…"

Wahahahahaha.

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When I was working at the phone-in helpdesk of a local ISP, I used to say I would one day publish a book titled "101 Stupid Users".  That could be module 101 for stupid users, or a compilation of 101 stories on stupid users… of which after they read the book, they wouldn’t be so stupid anymore.

Anyway, before I start on my "stupid users" story, let me tell you a story I heard from my colleague yesterday.  Her brother-in-law (BIL) is from the Jurassic ages.  He hates going to the bank so whenever he needs to get cash, what he would do is ring his provision store and order like loads of groceries and he’ll tell the provision shop owner, "Bring $2000 cash when you come".  So this way, the BIL gets his cash, together with his goods.

Recently, my colleague met the BIL again at some family gathering.  Very excitedly, the BIL said to her, "Tell you something.  If you ever want to get cash these day, you can just go to an ATM you know!  It’s so convenient!".

Bursting out laughing, my colleague said, "Oh my gosh!  Which age are you from?".

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P.S. Booze Queen - the colleague in question is your boss.  Hahahahaha.

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I was telling my cellgroup about "FCUK The Dark Knight" and they brought up another 2 really really bad names…

1) The world was happy with PayPal… but Google cussed and swore that they would do better… and gave us (well, lmost), Gbuy… (Hokkien speakers will know what I mean).  Thankfully, this was later launched as Google Checkout. 

2) Enfamom, from what I gather, is a pretty popular brand of milk of mothers.  I wonder how popular is Enfakid?  After all, as Jukebox said… did the entire boardroom of marketing people not realise what Enfakid sounds like?

Anyone got anything else to add to the list? 

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Got this from Azure.  This email is such a Joker.

French Connection meets The Dark Knight

Get acquainted with French Connection’s brand new limited edition range of
FCUK The Dark Knight merchandise. Style and fashion meet iconic characters
such as Batman and The Joker to bring you an exclusive collection of tees
and hoodies.

For the month of July, TANGS Fashion Lifestyle Cardmembers enjoy a 10% discount on the FCUK The Dark Knight range of merchandise. Any purchase from the FCUK The Dark Knight Range also entitles you to a free official movie poster*.

Exclusive Screening of ‘The Dark Knight’
Be one of the first to catch this blockbuster in Singapore. Receive a complimentary
pair of tickets* to an exclusive screening of ‘The Dark Knight’ on 18 Jul (Fri), 8pm
with a minimum nett purchase of $150 in a single receipt.

*While stocks last. All promotions valid at all French Connection stores.

French Connection stores are located at TANGS Orchard L3, TANGS VivoCity L1,
Wisma Atria #02-11 and Raffles City Shopping Centre #02-39.

 

Copyright © 2008 C.K Tang Limited. Co. Regn. No. 196100023H

All rights reserved. To unsubscribe from this mailing list, click here.

"FCUK The Dark Knight" just sounds darn wrong… what were the marketing folks thinking!

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This has got to be THE best "switch off your handphone" reminder I’ve ever seen in the cinema!

Unfortunately, you need to understand Chinese to get the pun in the punchline. Else, you’ll only enjoy the slapstick humour.  Heh.

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This is hilarious…

This is one catchy tune… reminds me of Hossan Leong’s Singapore satire. 

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It’s evil…

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As far as error messages go, this has to take the cake.  (Thanks to Azure for finding this!)

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Page Not Found

I’m sorry, you’ve reached a page that I cannot find. I’m really sorry about this. It’s kind of embarassing. Here you are, the user, trying to get to a page on LiveJournal and I can’t even serve it to you. What does that say about me? I’m just a webserver. My sole purpose in life is to serve you webpages and I can’t even do that! I suck. Please don’t be mad, I’ll try harder. I promise! Who am I kidding? You’re probably all like, "Man, LiveJournal’s webserver sucks. It can’t even get me where I want to go." I’m really sorry. Maybe it’s my CPU…no that’s ok…how bout my hard drives? Maybe. Where’s my admin? I can’t run self-diagnostics on myself. It’s so boring in this datacenter. It’s the same thing everyday. Oh man, I’m so lonely. I’m really sorry about rambling about myself, I’m selfish. I think I’m going to go cut my ethernet cables. I hope you get to the page you’re looking for…goodbye cruel world!

-the webserver

Error: could not find server

If you think you’ve reached this page in error:

• Make sure the URL you’re trying to reach is correct.
• Check http://status.livejournal.org to view LiveJournal’s current status.

_________________________________

Page Not Found

This page is not here
like plum blossoms in the wind
existence is fake

If you think you’ve reached this page in error:

• Make sure the URL you’re trying to reach is correct.
• Check http://status.livejournal.org to view LiveJournal’s current status.

_________________________________

Page Not Found

Umm…you weren’t supposed to see this.

Are you sure you typed in the URL correctly?

Um. Yeah. If you could get going that would be great. Frank needs some privacy.

If you think you’ve reached this page in error:

• Make sure the URL you’re trying to reach is correct.
• Check http://status.livejournal.org to view LiveJournal’s current status.

(This pic can be seen in the error message if u’re using Firefox but it doesn’t appear in IE.)

_________________________________

Page Not Found

LiveJournal Admin: Sir! We have reports that someone is trying to access a page that doesn’t exist!
LiveJournal Captain: Impossible! How can that be?
LiveJournal Admin: Sir, I don’t know. Maybe they typed in the URL wrong or maybe we’re suffering from a critical system failure.
LiveJournal Captain: Unacceptable! Redirect them to a 404 page and make it snappy!

If you think you’ve reached this page in error:

• Make sure the URL you’re trying to reach is correct.
• Check http://status.livejournal.org to view LiveJournal’s current status.

_________________________________

Page Not Found

Narrator: In A.D. 2006, Web was beginning.
Captain: What happen ?
Mechanic: Somebody set up us the journal.
Operator: We get signal.
Captain: What !
Operator: Main browser turn on.
Captain: It’s you !!
CATS: How are you users !!
CATS: All your base are belong to Frank.
CATS: You are on the way to 404.
Captain: What you say !!
CATS: You have no chance to reach your page. Make your spelling correct.
CATS: Ha Ha Ha Ha ….

If you think you’ve reached this page in error:

• Make sure the URL you’re trying to reach is correct.
• Check http://status.livejournal.org to view LiveJournal’s current status.

_________________________________

Page Not Found

Oh noes! The page you’re trying to reach could not be found. Maybe it doesn’t exist. Maybe you typed it in wrong. Or maybe we just messed up.

If you think you’ve reached this page in error:

• Make sure the URL you’re trying to reach is correct.
• Check http://status.livejournal.org to view LiveJournal’s current status.

_________________________________

Okie.. i think that should be the complete set of livejournal error messages.  Hehe.

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Who could forget this!!

And this!

Wonder if those people in the videos ever survived the publicity…

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