Jurassic Park

When I was working at the phone-in helpdesk of a local ISP, I used to say I would one day publish a book titled "101 Stupid Users".  That could be module 101 for stupid users, or a compilation of 101 stories on stupid users… of which after they read the book, they wouldn’t be so stupid anymore.

Anyway, before I start on my "stupid users" story, let me tell you a story I heard from my colleague yesterday.  Her brother-in-law (BIL) is from the Jurassic ages.  He hates going to the bank so whenever he needs to get cash, what he would do is ring his provision store and order like loads of groceries and he’ll tell the provision shop owner, "Bring $2000 cash when you come".  So this way, the BIL gets his cash, together with his goods.

Recently, my colleague met the BIL again at some family gathering.  Very excitedly, the BIL said to her, "Tell you something.  If you ever want to get cash these day, you can just go to an ATM you know!  It’s so convenient!".

Bursting out laughing, my colleague said, "Oh my gosh!  Which age are you from?".

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P.S. Booze Queen – the colleague in question is your boss.  Hahahahaha.

Incredible Tales

A friend of mine related this story to me on Sun…

My friend works as a pianist at a 6-star hotel.  During her break 1 day, she went to the kitchen to get a glass of water.  As she stood at the water dispenser with her drink, a pinoy trainee waitress came, carrying a half-filled cup of milk.  The trainee was about to fill up the cup of milk with hot water when my friend stopped the trainee to ask her what was she doing. 

The trainee’s most amazing reply was, "The customer wants skimmed milk".

‘Brilliance’ Equals Not ‘Brilliant’

Iceman and I will probably be going with Hyatt for our wedding dinner in Singapore because the brand name is good and they have managed to accommodate most of the requests we put forth. The name of the banquet manager we’ve been dealing with has a very close meaning to “Brilliance” (as in shining).

Anyway, Hyatt has agreed to provide 1 complimentary bottle of wine for every confirmed table at the dinner. Iceman and I requested that assuming we had 30 tables, we want the 30 bottles of wine to be split into 15 bottles of red and 15 bottles of white. “Brilliance” agreed that it could be done. In her reply, she said,

“Not a problem for the wine to be split into 15 white & 15 red. Just let us know nearer the date which table should have white and which should have red and we will set accordingly.”

Once I read the email, I was like DUH!?!?!? I couldn’t help it. I mean, won’t Hyatt just prepare 15 bottles of white wine and 15 bottles of red wine, and the waiters will serve guests both white and red regardless of the table they are from, till the wines run out?

Sigh. Obviously, her name may mean “Brilliance” but she is certainly not very “brilliant”.

I Thought I Couldn’t Count…

Had drinks with some colleagues just now and we started talking about our uni days, whether we stayed in the hostel or not, etc.

Kid’s Meal: I didn’t take part in any CCA or activities during my uni days.

Bigmac: Why not?

KM: I think it’s ‘cos the hall I was in was not the right type of people I like so I didn’t really take part in the activities.  Moreover, I had a 6-day week so no time.

Bigmac: 6-day week?  But u can plan your timetable what.

KM: First year cannot.  Fixed timetable.  But I had Wed & Fri off lah.

Bigmac: Wait, wait.  If u had Wed & Fri off, how can u have a 6-day week?

KM: Ya!  It was 6 days.  I had lessons starting Mon till Sat.

Me: Er, that’s only a 4-day week.  Not 6 days.  U had 2 days break what.

KM: No.  It was 6 days.  ‘Cos lessons start from Mon to Sat.  I consider 4-day week like if the lessons were only from Mon to Thurs.  Then that’s a 4-day week.

Me: (mutters under my breath) No wonder u couldn’t fit in with the people in your hall.

If Ignorance was Bliss..

… Kid’s Meal ought to be the happiest person in the world.

Bigmac, Kid’s Meal, Mich & I were having drinks with an underwriter ("u/wer") just now when we started discussing the usage of contact lenses and how it may result in dry eyes.  The u/wer then asked me when did I start wearing contact lenses.  I replied, "When I was in Sec 3".

Kid’s Meal exclaimed in utter surprise, "Sec 3?  You mean there was contact lenses then?".

To which I replied, "Eh, don’t like that leh.  I’m not that old lah.  There was such a thing as contact lens when I was in Sec 3…"

Kid’s Meal then said, "Oh is it?  I didn’t know that!  I thought contact lens technology only came out in the last few years.  I thought it was newer than the Internet."

Road Hazard Update

My department had our CNY dinner today and the conversation shifted to Kid Meal’s driving test tomorrow.  Bouncy told Kid’s Meal to make sure that she "adjusts" all the mirrors when she gets into the car with the tester.

Kid’s Meal said, "Why must u do that?  All the mirrors will be adjusted already what ‘cos I’ll be having my driving lesson before the test."

Bouncy explained that it’s just a step that testers expect u to perform as part of the checks u’re supposed to do before u start driving (in other words, must wayang a bit).

Bigmac then added that besides checking all your mirrors, u also need to make it very obvious when u are checking your blind spots during the test… to which Kid’s Meal replied, "Oh but I don’t check my blind spots".

Appalled, I interjected, "Eh, checking blind spots is not just to pass the test leh.  It’s a safety thing that u check your blind spots before u change lanes!".

Kid’s Meal looked at me and repeated herself, "I know.  But I don’t check blind spots."

So I repeated myself, "Yah.  But u should always check your blind spots!  What if there’s a motorcycle there or something??"

Like a broken recorder, Kid’s Meal said again, "Yah. But I don’t check blind spots."

*Rolls eyes*.  I repeated myself again but Kid’s Meal said yet again, "I just don’t check blind spots."

Bigmac then chipped in, "Wow. If u pass your driving, let me know.  I’ll stop riding my bike."

Stupid is as Stupid Does

Conversation overheard between Bigmac (BM) and Kid’s Meal (KM).

BM: KM, why are u writing the minutes all in first person?  U know, as in, why do you write, "ABC says: ‘I will do this’", and "DEF says: ‘I will check on this…’", etc.  Shouldn’t the minutes be in third person?

KM: Oh… I did that because it is easier to write.

BM: What do you mean easier to write?  You just need to take down the important points right?

KM: Yah… but the meeting was in dialogue, so easier to write this way.

DUH!??!?  If a meeting isn’t in "dialogue", then what would it be in?  Sign language??

 

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If u thought that was bad… wait till u hear what Smarties did…

After completing the renewal of 1 policy, Smarties’ boss told him that the Insured will send the documentation, etc, to their bank themselves, and there was no need to send the original policy document to the bank.

However, Smarties still sends a soft copy of the policy doc to the bank!  Exasperated, Smarties’ boss questioned, "Didn’t I tell u not to send the originals to the bank??".

Smarties replied, "Yah.  U said don’t send the original mah.  So I sent via email lor".

At this, Smarties’ boss said, "Smarties!  I want to strangle u!!!".

And Smarties (in my opinion, rather rude) reply was, "Oh shit!  Oh shit!  Oh shit!".

I mean… is that something u would say to your boss after u make a stupid booboo?

My Moral Duty

I believe it is my moral duty to tell everyone to STAY AWAY from UBI (Eunos) area this Friday, 22 Feb 2008. My belief is based on a conversation that happened earlier today…

Bigmac: So are u confident of passing your driving on Fri?
Kid’s Meal: Er, no… i’m going to have a practice session 1 hour before my test.
BM: How long have u been learning driving?
KM: Er… about 5 months now.
Me: So what car are you driving for the test?
KM: I’m not sure actually
Me: Huh? Aren’t u using your instructor’s car?
KM: Yah… but i never see what car my instructor is using…

*Faints*.

Take note ya… this is the same girl who told me she had to go home to study NOTES for her driving practical lesson because she wasn’t sure which leg to use for which pedal…

1st Stupidity Challenge in the Year of the Rat

Happy Chinese New Year everyone!!

First day back to office, and i was duly entertained by Smarties and Kid’s Meal. 

Smarties was talking to another colleague of ours, Meatlover, about the volunteer work Meatlover does…

Smarties: Wow.  Then do you get paid for giving tuition?

Meatlover: Of course not lah!  It’s volunteer work.  Where got get paid one?

Smarties: Oh.  Volunteer for who?

Meatlover: CDAC

Smarties: C.. C what?  CDAC?  What’s that?

Xiao Lao Shu (obviously couldn’t take it any longer) turns around and says: The one that your pay always gets deducted $1 for lah!

P.S. For foreigners who’re not sure what CDAC stands for, it’s the Chinese Development Assistance Council (www.cdac.org.sg).

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Bigmac was relatively free today and so he was going through some mass emails that Kid’s Meal (KM) copied him in.

Bigmac to KM: So which underwriter do you think the client will go for?  Is it going to be Uleer?

KM: I’m not sure.  Upsize didn’t say.  But i think all got chance.

Bigmac: All?  Surely after the presentation to the client, one insurer would’ve stood out?  Does even Cofrance have a chance?

KM: I think so.

Bigmac: Why?

KM: I don’t know.  I think so.  But i think maybe the client will go for @traders.

(Yes, please ignore her contradiction).

Bigmac: @traders?  Why?

KM: ‘Cos Upsize said the client was very impressed by their presentation that day.

Bigmac: Oh.  What about their presentation?

KM: I think they used powerpoint, then got a lot of animation kind.  So the client was very impressed.

DUH??????????????????  Since when does an MNC pick which insurer to used based on animated powerpoint slides!!!!  Sheesh!  The naivete!