4:23am. My friend just called & woke me up. I asked him why he was calling me so late. He said that he thought I would be awake ‘cos it was a Saturday. Upon hearing that, i thought perhaps he just got back to Singapore (he’s a pilot) & i reminded him that it was already Sunday, and that i was asleep when he called.

ABC then started rambling on in Cantonese… very unprecise Cantonese and that’s when i realised that something wasn’t right – he was high (but not drunk). ABC was still sober enough to ask me if i was going to church and what time i was waking up if i was. I told him that my church starts at 10am so i’ll probably be waking about 9am.

In his half-drunken rambling, ABC even cussed. This was the first time i’ve heard him swear (ok, i confess, i’m usually the hot-tempered one who may let loose some flowery language when provoked.) We somehow managed to speak about meeting for dinner soon.

4:33am. Our conversation lasted about 3mins. I feel a little disturbed about the whole episode. I used to be rather good friends with ABC (he was my senior in NTU). He is/was a Christian but has backslided in recent years. From the little that we communicate nowadays, i know that his current lifestyle consists mainly of clubbing/pubbing/drinking whenever he’s back in Singapore. It isn’t very healthy and it makes me worry for him. I just sent him an sms to ask if he’s back home safe & sound. He hasn’t replied. I pray that he is.

Somehow i sense that it’s an emptiness inside that pushes him to this current lifestyle. It’s the feeling of being alone in a crowd. Just last night, i met up with some havokers for dinner and dessert. The group decided to split after dinner. I told Zounds that i didn’t feel like going home and i was considering going to Union Square for salsa… but then i realised that while i didn’t want to be alone, going to Union wouldn’t help ‘cos i wouldn’t feel any less lonely than i was. It was at that particular moment that i realised i’m at a rather vulnerable period now emotional. If any eligible chaps were to come along now, i might actually get attached ‘cos i wanted company? With that realisation, it also dawned upon me that only God can quench that loneliness and thirst for a fuller life.

4:40am. I hope ABC is sound asleep now. He has changed somewhat. I miss my old friend. 🙁

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June 2005