I love Bazhang

BZ hasn’t been well for the past week. It started with a fussy appetite but knowing that he’s not well, we obliged him by giving him a different type of veg everyday – cabbage, carrot, parsley, celery, xiao bai cai… but as of last night, he has refused to eat anything we feed him. I saw him reaching for some of the plants in the garden so out of desperation, i plucked a few leaves and he ate them!

I was really quite happy… after all, better for him to take less nutritional food, than not to take food at all. However, since this morning, BZ has rejected all the different types of veg & garden plants i gave him. He’s on a liquid diet now – mixture of honey water + medicine & celery / apple / carrot juice.

I called the vet this afternoon to ask if there’s anything more i can do for him. The vet said no… he told me to just make BZ as comfortable as possible. Despite trying my best to control my tears, i couldn’t help but cry when i heard that. BZ is a well loved member of my family. My dad wanted to fly home from Dubai today but was asked to do more work there so he can’t come back. I’m not sure if my dad will get back to SG in time for BZ & him to meet one last time.

BZ was so tired tonight. He can’t stay awake for even 1 min before dozing off. He tried to eat some of the fern leaves i plucked for him but he only chewed twice before dozing off. Eventually, he gave up and surrendered himself to sleep. Sadly, BZ can’t seem to get a good rest… his sleep is interrupted and he can never sleep soundly for more than 3mins. My heart hurts so much when i see him so tired. I wonder if he’s waiting for my dad to come home ‘cos my dad took care of him the most.

I really love BZ a lot. It’s like watching a family member die and there’s nothing you can do to help. I wish i could take more leave or off days from work ‘cos i’m perpetually thinking and worrying about him. I prayed to God for a miracle but it doesn’t seem to be happening. When i tried to feed BZ (using a syringe) more juice just now, most of it just flowed down his chest.

I wish i could spend all day with BZ but i can’t get off from work tomorrow. I’m so scared i’ll come home and find that he’s passed away. I want to be with him right till the end. I want to pet his head & tell him that it’s ok and that death is just a place where he can finally get good rest. I don’t want BZ to die alone.

It’s been a long time since i got down to my knees to pray. But i prayed very hard for BZ. There’s nothing more the vet nor i can do. Only God can work a miracle and return his health. I really love BZ.

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October 2005