Wed night when I couldn’t sleep, there were a lot of things on my mind. In random order – do you think we should have a kid? I’m 41 this year so it’s prob. now or never. Of ‘cos, just ‘cos we try doesn’t mean it’ll happen but I think I don’t overly love kids and can truly leave this to God.

Why do you selectively delete msgs from Telegram despite saying u won’t do it? Is it ‘cos u don’t want me to realise that no matter how I feel, u can never be just colleagues with J? She will always be the friend u chat with more than others. Possibly even on par with me.

Is it so wrong to reach each other’s msgs or to know where u are at any time? I thought the whole purpose of having a joint bank acc is to have complete transparency and it was thought that money is one area that couples hide stuff, even if it appears to be minor/unimportant stuff from each other. But what’s there to hide? Why is there a need to hide?

If God was willing to give me what I want, I would want u to be nothing more than colleagues with J. Strictly colleagues. Not even friends. Unfortunately, I thought that might happen when she was on her long MC and when u said u didn’t realise how much pain u caused me. U didn’t appear to talk to her much so I thought my dream came true. I now know I’m wrong. I have no choice but to accept her as part of ur life. And I have been able to accept it w/o bitterness. But the sadness that I am smaller and less important that I wished I was will always be there. But who knows? Maybe one day I’ll get over it.

So this brings me back to the first thing on my mind. Should we try for kids?

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February 2020