"Hi God, it’s me again"

When i was a lot younger, whenever things went wrong, whenever i felt betrayed, hurt, or heartbroken, i used to turn to God & say, “Why me, Lord?”  I questioned why things had to turn out the way they did… and i struggled with why God would let me feel pain.

Things came to a turning point in 2002… when i lost 3 grandparents and 1 uncle in the span of less than 1 year.  This followed an already painful 2001 when i went through a very bad patch emotionally.  But when faced with the magnitude of how things weighed on the scales of life & death, i realised that broken relationships were just part & parcel of life.  If anything, the ability to feel pain is not a bad thing… because it meant that you were alive.

From that point onwards, whenever i had problems, i would turn to God & say, “Hi God… it’s me again.  Yeap!  Once again… things got screwed up… so… yeah… hi… it’s me again.”  Half-cynically, half-resigned, usually in tears, i knew i didn’t have to repeat the details to God.  He was there every step of the way… just that perhaps i didn’t talk to him as much about stuff before the pain got more real.

I’m going through another “Hi God, it’s me again” moment now.  But i’m not as devastated as the last time.  Perhaps this is called growing up.  At a ripe old 27 years old… i guess i have to be!  I find it hard to cry nowadays… which is strange ‘cos i used to cry easily last time – just not in front of others.

A lot of things have been going through my head recently.  I’ve tried to control & shape the course of what i hoped my life would be.  But ultimately, i realised that it’s just not possible to dictate life.  The more you try to exercise control, the more you try to plan, the more things will happen outside your plans.

When i was in church today, i suddenly had an epiphany of sorts.  I realised that despite my best-laid plans, i’ve ended up in a rut.  I didn’t want to let God take control because i felt that he wouldn’t let me have my way.  But ironically, with the type of stalmate i’m facing, only God would be able to provide a solution.  Sigh.  I surrender u know?  I really do.  I’m waving the white flag.  I give up.

It’s been a long time since my heart has been stirred this way.  I still feel down in the dumps… but i just wanted to pen this down as a reminder that,

“Like a tapestry, He’s weaving you and me,

To someday be just like Him…

So when you don’t understand,

When you don’t see His plan,

When you can’t trace His hand,

Trust His Heart“.

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November 2006