Chewbacca sent me an email saying that he observed how i’ve not been hanging out with my cellgroup recently.  I have a very strong response to that though i decided that it wasn’t necessary for me to spell it all out in my reply via email.

Simply put, i just don’t feel close to the people in my cellgroup/church.  While i’m always grateful for their prayer support (i believe they do pray about certain things when i ask them to… at least i think a few of them would), i am just not close to them. 

The cause of the distance arose from a host of reasons… legacy issues, as some would call it.  Issues like how the “3 musketeers” clique i belonged to in church disbanded after 2 of us gals had very differing opinions from the 3rd gal… and then the 2 of us who were close drifted apart after going to different JCs, and the final straw came when the other gal took sides with 1 party, and i with the other after a couple that we knew, broke up.

I was never assimilated into another group after that.  Another group i was close to… the only reason why i was close to them was ‘cos i was close to this gal, when we were in secondary school.  She had a lot of emotional problems in sec sch… and would even do things like make cuts on her arms using a pen-knife, or drown her sorrows in beer… and her sis would call me hoping that i could talk to her and help her get a grip on stuff.  Which i did… though being very different in character – i’m the sort who doesn’t tip over the edge – i was only close to her ‘cos she could confide in me?  And not ‘cos we shared the same beliefs, views, interests, etc.

In a way, u could say that it came to a point where we were only close when she had problems… but drifted apart when she was fine.  Not trying to say that she made use of me… but it’s just one of those things that happened to turn out that way.  The final straw came, however, when she got together with one of my ex-bfs.  Though it was only a brief relationship with him, it damaged our friendship irreparably.

Someone told me that some other people remarked how “strong” our friendship was… that i could work with my friend and my ex in the same team.  I could only offer a cynical snigger when i heard that.  How naive whoever the people who thought that way were… making assumptions that everything was fine.  How ignorant could they be?  Just because i didn’t let any unhappiness show, doesn’t mean i was fine with everything right?  Did no one consider that i kept my unhappiness in check because i did not want to spoil the working relationship?  How foolish to make such an assumption without asking me how i felt.

I never blogged about this on this site throughout the time when i was at my unhappiest over the entire thing… because a few people from my cellgroup still read this blog.  But since the comment’s been made about how i haven’t been hanging out with my cellgroup… then this is my answer.  Silent hurts have the longest memories.

These days, i prefer to hang out with my colleagues and some friends from school, and friends of theirs.  I enjoy their company better and i feel at ease with them.  I don’t “blame” my cellgroup / church friends per se for the rift.  I haven’t always been at my most pleasant when i’m with them.  I’m reactive in nature.. and when i don’t feel comfortable with people, i can be very testy and sarcastic. 

So there u have it.  The reasons why i’m currently traipsing the boundary of being in and not quite in the cellgroup.  Why am i saying this now when i’ve never voiced it out before?  Don’t know.  Maybe ‘cos it’s been seething within me for a long time… and all i needed was for someone to ask the right question, push the right button sort of thing.

Oh heck.  Not that i’m that bothered by it.  Time for bed.  Had a really tiring day at Partner’s wedding activities yesterday… and a super suay time last night.  Shall leave that for another post.


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July 2007