Dance like no one's watching

Whoa… someone read through my entire blog last nite… from 1:33am till the wee hours of the morning. My entire archive, all my posts, every single month, the person read through everything. Sigh…I’m “honoured” that someone bothered to read the blog of someone she doesn’t know much about. Month by month, my blog was combed from the latest post to the end of 2005, then from the start of 2005 to the latest post. Unfortunately, i don’t think she read through my blog out of interest. It was probably to garner more ammunition for her vengeance.

Seriously, i have no intention to provide fodder for your personal feud with you know who. I only mentioned your nemesis in 2 posts so far so you really didn’t have to spend so much time searching through everything. And whatever i wrote, i wrote as a bystander. I don’t agree with either party’s actions but i have no right to judge either.

Whatever you fished out of my blog, please leave me out of your personal vendetta. This blog is about ME, and not about you nor your nemesis so please spare me from being caught in any crossfire. Thanks.

My my… i was really into retail therapy today. I attacked the malls with just 1 mission – to spend spend spend!

I bought 2 eyeshadows, 1 rouge, 1 lip gloss, & 1 eyebrow pencil from Stila (which i promptly dropped on the floor & the colour stick fell out of the applicator #$%*@). That cost me about $140+ and i wasted $22 w/in the hour! Grr…. I also spent about $182 worth of materials for my jewellery enterprise, and another $120 on clothes.

Sigh… so shiok. It’s been a long time since i really shopped for anything. Did mass buying today. I wondered why retail therapy always works. Maybe ‘cos in executing the therapy, the buyer is in complete control over the situation. I see, i like, i buy. After all, i earned the money. This feels especially good when u’re caught in situations where you have to put aside your beliefs for “the greater good”.

Anyway, i’m damn tired tonight. Gotta sort out all my stuff (ok… maybe not all… but i need to iron that new blouse so i can wear it to work tomorrow), take a shower & koon!!

One of my favourite blogs of all time is Que Pasa. I am always in awe of how the writer manages to be so honest with her feelings online. Her sincere sharings & observations always make me want to read her posts more than once.

Today, the issue about how open should i be on my blog came into question again. Once again, the thought of whether i should delete my entire blog crossed my mind. But i knew i wouldn’t do it. At least not for the sake of saving the face of someone i hate immensely. That’s me i suppose. My bf thinks that i’m too stubborn & i agree. The thing is that before i do anything, i would consider the consequences seriously and once i decide that i’m prepared to bear them, i usually would not veer from the path i’ve chosen to take. Not even if it means my letting my colleagues / business associates read my bitching about them. Like i’ve said before… i quit AIA ‘cos i couldn’t get along with my supervisor, and ‘cos my boss didn’t allow me to take leave to go perform at the West Coast Salsa Congress.

So that’s me… headstrong, wilful, stubborn. However, despite all my stubborness, i’ve compromised on my entries many a times. I have, as Acorn said, practised a certain degree of self-censorship in order to protect people that i care about. More importantly, i’ve exercised restraint from sharing about certain feelings ‘cos i want to preserve the harmony among certain circles of friends that i am with.

Then i’ve thought about going the other extreme – of being totally explicit about my feelings towards certain matters, and to leave the consequences to the wind. Share about how i felt betrayed before, how i hate people who go back on their words, and how i hate the fact that people i love are sometimes subject to unfair sanctions by their superiors. But Acorn & Clown are right. I need to learn how to be subtle, and respect the big picture. Even if the consequences don’t mean anything to me, they might mean the end of certain opportunities for those i love.

This whole exercise of how honest should i be frustrates me. I hate having to curb my actions, especially when it’s to avoid friction with someone i fuckingly (ok, i just made up that word) hate. Add that to many months of cooping up at home and/or going to the showflat on my rest days, i decided i needed some retail therapy…

Do u think it’s possible to two-time a person and not get found out?

I remember some years ago, i was going out with this guy, Mr. Ego. We were introduced by a then colleague of mine who thought we might be compatible. We had some similar interests – salsa, music, singing, so i thought why not just date & see if it’ll lead to anything?

After going out for about 3 weeks, i started to notice a change in his behaviour. After some analysis, i suspected that he was seeing someone else. Of course i confronted him about it and good for him, he was brave enough to admit that this gal that he used to like (but rejected him before) came back & wanted to try again (yeah, after she heard that we were going out).

As we weren’t attached or anything, i told him that sure, i could give him some time to sort out who he wants to be with. Eh…. big mistake. The lesson i learnt was that if a person can have the best of both worlds, he would never make a choice to give up either one.

So i did. Gave him a deadline to choose & when he didn’t, it was sayonara. Not that i wasn’t sad or hurt… but it was a lot easier to move on ‘cos i hadn’t put in that much emotional commitment yet.

Recently, i’ve been following this blog closely – http://www.xanga.com/Just_Me___Celeste The female protagonist was a 3rd party that came between the relationship of this guy and his gf, who also works with him it seems. I was quite amazed at how the gf did not suspect that this underground affair was going on for slightly over a year!! They even went to Australia for a holiday together and the gf didn’t realise!

But things turned sour after some time & so the female protagonist decided to expose the affair. Of ‘cos all hell broke loose… and if u want to know the details, go check out the blog yourself. Heh.

Then even more recently, i came across another blog with a heroine in a similar situation. This gal was also a 3rd party in a r/ship only that she wasn’t aware of it. How the whole scam got exposed was damn drama man. The heroine posted some comments about stuff she wanted to get for the guy on this website… and the comments were chanced upon by GF no. 1! GF1 managed to trace the heroine’s blog & that’s when everything came to light.

What impressed me the most when i read this heroine’s blog was the way she handled the whole situation. She focused on picking up herself & moving on, and she didn’t bitch or harass GF1 in any way. She only put the blame on the guy… and herself (for being so naive). Which i thought was right and matured of her. (Click on http://shuang-er.blogspot.com/ if u want to find out more.)

This is in total contrast to the first fatal attraction mentioned above…. in that case, both the female protagonist & the gf are harassing each other… it’s like bitch fest galore! Why don’t they just dump that jerk of a two-timing bf right?

Sigh… human behaviour never cease to puzzle me.

Looks like i’m going to have to carry Pinky more often, put her on my lap more often (and run the risk of being peed on), till she learns that i’m her master and she has to be obedient & polite! (I lectured her for not greeting me & not coming when called. Such a difference from her parents. Horlicks always runs to greet anyone who goes into the backyard and both Horlicks & Muah Chee respond when called.)

Sigh… cutie Pinky has become a spoilt brat!

At first Pinky wasn’t used to being locked up and kept biting on the door of the cage, or standing on her hind legs pleading to be let out. We had to lock her up when i went to work ‘cos my parents went out as well. But i think she got to run about in the backyard most of the day when my parents were home.

Horlicks takes good care of Pinky too and she goes over to lick Pinky once in a while. I hope Pinky adapts well to life outdoors. I told Pinky that she has to learn to sleep alone and that she really must stop peeing in her water tray ‘cos there’s no one to change the water for her if she dirties it overnight. (She doesn’t know how to drink from the bottle yet.) Anyway, here are some pics of Pinky & Horlicks. Real cute!

Clown & i went to a very special place just now. I was from C.H.I.J Opera Estate Primary School… from Primary 1 to Primary 5, then my school merged with the then Katong Convent Primary School to become C.H.I.J Katong Primary School.

My old school (we used to refer to it as OE – short for Opera Estate) is now a Red Cross Campsite. It’s located at the top of this hilly area in Opera Estate. I think the road name is Jln Khairrudin. Clown & i drove up to the school just now and seeing that the gate was opened, we drove in & stopped at the driveway.

I didn’t really dare to get out of the car ‘cos we were sort of like trespassing but it was nice to see my old school again. I’ve always wanted to go back ‘cos i really really love that building. (I have a very soft spot for old old buildings). The garden was pretty much the same except that the roundabout was removed to create more road & parking space in front of the building.

The most amazing thing was that the fish tank that stood outside what used to be the school office was still there! And it was lighted up so i’m pretty sure there were still fish inside! I can still remember how the classrooms, music rooms, canteen, the field & even the toilets look like but i didn’t dare go into the building to see how much of it remains the same.

I like my primary school a lot. I’ve had this dream a couple of times – that i went back to the school and there were a lot of ghosts of past students haunting it. They didn’t mean any harm but they would all float about & i would see classrooms full of ghosts, all attending classes… as in i would see the classrooms full of students but i knew they were ghosts? It was strange.

But i was happy to be back. I’ve always told myself that i must go back some day but in the 16 years since i left the school, i never had the opportunity. (The school is located such that it was quite difficult to access unless u drove.) I wonder if the building is under conservation ‘cos it’s really old and sometimes it might not make much economical sense to keep it? But i’m glad the Red Cross kept it in pretty much the original state it was in. The external colours are more or less the same beige & brown as when i was studying there. The windows are still using shutter windows (and they still break darn often). If you’re taking the MRT from Bedok to Kembangan, u’ll see this Red Cross building atop a hill – that’s my school. 🙂

There used to be a lot of stories about the school being haunted and sometimes when i was alone in school, i would be a little afraid to go up to the upper floors by myself. But i’ve never seen anything spooky there. Anyway, i figured that given how much i like & appreciate the school, any ghost haunting it should respect me for that.

There used to be a picture of a ballerina in the music room that was said to be haunted. Rumour was that if u stared at the picture long enough, u’ll see the hands of the ballerina move. It was also said that some teachers tried to burn the painting before but it kept returning to its place in the music room. Well, my class helped throw out the picture when we shifted to the new school and i don’t think there was any hauntings.

If i have the opportunity, i’ll return to the school again during daytime & snap a few pictures. I love my old primary school!

Went to the airport for dessert after cellgroup on Wednesday. While queuing up near the entrance of the toilet, a middle-aged woman in her 40s & an elderly woman in (probably) her 60s walked in, and walked right past me. I stared at the 2 women and wondered if i should just let them cut my queue… had it just been the elderly woman, i probably would have closed an eye… but i was quite annoyed with the middle-aged lady!Just then, the cubicle door in front of the middle-aged woman opened & she was about to walk in when i blurted out in Chinese, “Wah! No need to queue up uh?”. The hostility in my voice surprised even myself.

The middle-aged woman looked at me in surprise & turned to look at the elderly woman. The elderly woman told her to go ahead. That puzzled me a bit but I ignored their exchange & made my way towards the opened door. The middle-aged woman then said to me, “I was here first”.

Instinctively, i turned to her and replied, “I was queuing up over there (gestured towards the door) when you came in.” Again, my tone was curt & harsh. I could also feel my eyes widening in aggression & glaring at the woman.

She took a step in retreat & apologized hastily. Wow. I must’ve looked really fierce. It’s not everyday that one successfully cower aunties into submission. Hehe. Didn’t mean to & certainly didn’t feel that much malice towards her but i didn’t apologize. I mean since i’ve chosen to assert my right, no point being apologetic about it right?

Thinking about the incident now reminds me once again that i sometimes lack nuances in my tone & expressions… which has always been my problem in leading a team of people. I either become too soft, or too harsh when enforcing rules & guidelines. Just like what i wrote about being too blunt & blatant in expressing my displeasure about people on my blog, words often escape my mouth (or keyboard) before i have time to soften them.

It is really not easy to exert your right gently. The easy way out would be to give it up (but that may not be the right way either) or bulldoze people over. It is easier to achieve a balance at work ‘cos one can just maintain a distant “professional” stance but among friends? That’s the toughest part. Sometimes i force myself to suppress my unhappiness & feelings of betrayal. “For the greater good” i tell myself. But that is a lie too ‘cos ultimately, the unhappiness will gnaw away at the friendship & once too much time has lapsed, that friendship is also gone.

Have you lost any friends this way?

Pinky & Fatty when they were 1 day old.

Not difficult to guess why Pinky was named thus huh?

A little bit more fur, a little less pink.

Pinky learning to crawl.

She used to sleep up to 2 hrs in my hand!

Pinky & me – hanging out together.

Pinky after a towel down.

Clown carrying Pinky.

Pinky on a leash.

Sleeping on my lap.

Pinky & her lop-sided ears.

Adventurous Pinky!

Are u looking at me?

Pinky has really grown up. She eats damn a lot too… too much i think… but i can’t stop my dad from feeding her so much. He keeps topping up her hay & pellets once they’re finished. It’s like 24hr buffet for Pinky. (I just removed the plate of pellets from her bungalow. Heh.)

My dad said that Pinky didn’t want to drink milk tonight… which is a first. Apparently Horlicks licked Pinky & stood still as usual for Pinky to crawl under her to drink milk but Pinky kept running away. Sigh. Maybe it’s Pinky’s way of saying, “i’m not a baby anymore!”.

Soon it’ll be time to shift Pinky outdoors with her mommy. I feel so sad ‘cos that means i won’t be able to pop down in the middle of the night just to take a quick peek or to play with Pinky (too troublesome to have to disable the house alarm & unlock all the doors to go outside to play for 5mins kind of thing). I patted Pinky & told her that she’ll have to shift house soon… downgrade from her good class bungalow to a cage outdoors.

Pinky’s still very adorable… and she still sleeps on her back, on my lap. Her ears are funny though… heh. She sports a “side-parting”…. her right ear flops down by the side of her face, but her left ear is like combed over to the right side. Hard to describe… take a look at the pictures to get a better idea ya?

Sigh… guess Pinky’s my favourite bunny ‘cos i took care of her since birth. I’m like her nanny cum maid cum chauffeur. Horlicks is my next favourite ‘cos Horlicks is very personable & likes to hang around humans. Muah Chee, Coffee & Peanut are cute too… but my dad spends more time with them so they’re closer to my dad. Coffee & Peanut especially… they don’t really let me pat them unless they’re already lying down to rest. I still think MC looks like a big stuffed toy ‘cos he has really chubby cheeks – like a chipmunk! Heh. I think Pinky will grow up to be a real goodlooking rabbit. As it is, her fur coat has a nicer shade of brown than Horlicks… and of she inherits some of MC’s features, she’ll look darn cute!

🙂 P for Pinky! Pretty pretty Pinky!